Our early experiences in relationships with parents and caregivers create internal styles that drive much of our behavior as adults and often play out in our relationships. John Bowlby is regarded as the father of attachment theory. He considered the bond between mother and child as the basis for all future social development. Attachment theory claims that a bond is created between the infant and the mother or primary caregiver during infancy. When the baby receives supportive and sensitive care in their early years, with physically and emotionally available parents, the child develops a sense of security. If the attachment figure is not available, others in the home can also provide the needed care and support. When the child does not get supportive and sensitive care, the child will develop a poor view of self and others and emotional reactions like fear, anxiety, or depression. Early attachment to the caregiver provides the groundwork for future relationships. Those who receive supportive and sensitive care develop a secure model of relationships and themselves, while children who experience maternal deprivation and insensitive care construct insecure internal working models of relationships and the self.

The four types of attachment styles are:

Anxious attachment style  - values others more than themselves, NEED an intimate relationship, feel like they like others more than they are liked back, have approval-seeking behaviors, chase intimacy with their attachment figure, become dependent on the attachment figure, have a lot of self-doubts and low self-esteem, are emotionally unstable and act on impulse, can appear needy or clingy in a relationship. 

Avoidant attachment style - have a high view of self and low opinion of others, they need independence, they do not want to depend on anyone, they deny needing close relationships, date people that they feel better than, are often defensive, distance themselves if rejected, avoid closeness and attachment altogether, often end things in a relationship when it starts to get serious.

Fearful-avoidant attachment style - have an unstable view of themselves and others, are open to relationships but feel uncomfortable trusting, very afraid of being hurt, feel unworthy and have a poor self-image, suppress or deny their own feelings, are uncomfortable expressing affection, usually have suffered loss, trauma, or abuse as a child, bail out of a relationship when they get scared.

Secure attachment - a positive view of self and others, find it easy to connect with other people, are secure and do not fear being alone, are comfortable depending on others, usually come from a secure family background, balance independence and dependence can process their emotions, show high self-sufficiency and self-regard.

Do you recognize yourself (or your significant other) in any of these descriptions? These attachment styles will always play a role in romantic relationships. Once you know your style, you can work on making yourself more secure to enjoy feeling more security in your relationships.  I will follow up in the next couple of weeks with a post about changing your attachment style to a more secure one.