As a follow-up to my blog post a while back about attachment styles, this week's blog post is about how to develop a more secure attachment style. If you recall, the 4 types of attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious/fearful-avoidant. See my previous blog post here that describes the different types of attachment styles.

Developing a secure attachment style starts with oneself. As you can imagine, this process is not quick or easy. The first step is to become aware of your own attachment style. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you can try to stop focusing on your partner's imperfections and realize that none of us is perfect. When you are avoidant, you feel a need for complete self-reliance. Try to allow your partner to do some things that might make you a little bit uncomfortable, by allowing for some give and take in the relationship. You may also have a tendency to end a relationship before it gets too serious. Try to be aware of that and let the relationship develop further. Over time, you will allow yourself to realize that it is okay to rely on other people. If you have an anxious attachment style, learning to communicate your needs in the relationship is important. If you communicate your needs, you will generally have less anxiety and you will better be able to determine if your partner is good for you. Try to share your feelings with your partner. Start small and build your confidence so that you are able to share the bigger things.

You must also work to develop your own self-esteem and a belief that you are valuable. Knowing what to expect from your partner will also help you feel more secure. This comes from being about to trust that your partner will follow through on what they say they will do. If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you will do best in relationships with someone who has a secure attachment style. This will help you become more secure. Some other things that you can do if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style to be more secure include: learning assertive communication skills, learning to express your emotional needs, being authentic and direct with your partner, practicing acceptance of yourself and others and trying to focus less on faults, learning conflict resolution skills, learning how to compromise, pausing before reacting and taking some time to identify your triggers and figure out what causes them.  When you are dating, take the time to assess if a person can or wants to meet your emotional needs. It is common for those with an anxious attachment to jump into relationships too quickly and to often suppress their own needs in order to try to make a relationship work. This is a recipe for disaster as you focus only on your partner's needs, leaving your own needs unmet. It is common for those with avoidant attachments to start to distance themselves when things seem to start getting serious. It is not uncommon for those with an anxious attachment style to end up in relationships with avoidant attachment styles, which will only increase anxiety for the anxiously attached person. And for those with an avoidant attachment style in a relationship with an anxious attachment style only reinforces their need to distance and avoid. The more the anxiously attached person "chases" the avoidantly attached person, the more they will feel like you are trying to control them.

Changing your attachment style to a more secure one is not easy and can take time and patience. You may need the help of a therapist to help you get there, so please do not be afraid to seek help. You deserve to feel fulfilled in relationships without sacrificing yourself in the process.