Dealing with Grief on Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be a happy day for many celebrating the mothers in their lives, but for those who have lost their mothers, it can be a day that triggers a lot of painful emotions. The loss of your mother is one of the most difficult times people can go through in life, whether you have a good relationship, a challenging relationship, or anything in between. This loss can have a great impact on your life. Many people report that losing their mother was the most traumatic event of their life. Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who gave birth to you or a mother figure in your life, you are grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish that you had.

British psychologist John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, believed that children are born with a natural drive to seek attachment from their caregivers, most often their mother. He believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness. He considered the bond between mother and child as the basis for all future social development. Early attachment to the caregiver provides the groundwork for future relationships. Thus, one’s relationship with their mother, positive or negative, has a large impact on one’s life.

I have worked with many people who don’t have a good relationship with their mother or may have even been estranged but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death. Even if you do not have a good relationship with your mother, grief can be very strong when she passes away. There can be grief for what you never had and now do not have the chance to build.

Some thoughts and beliefs typically related to grief:

·         Numbness

·         Disbelief

·         Confusion

·         Anger

·         Difficulty concentrating

·         Shock

·         Sadness

 Physical aspects of grief may look like:

·         Digestive problems

·         Energy loss

·         Nervousness

·         Sleep disturbances

·         Weight changes

·         Nervousness or anxiety

When the loss of your mother is fresh, it feels like this feeling will be forever, but it won’t if you allow yourself to grieve and if others can help you grieve. You will possibly observe that the truly intense emotions will usually lessen in the months after the death of your mom. While the majority intuitively recognize it can be tough to lose a mother, they often don’t realize quite how hard it is will be or how long it may take. People often think we will pass through grief in a month or so and be done with it. Even if we don’t acknowledge the difficult emotions, that doesn’t mean they aren’t present and impacting our lives. You will never ‘get over’ the loss of your mother, but the feelings will become easier to bear.

Too many people try to push us to ‘get on with life’ too soon after a big loss, but we need to be able to grieve and we also need to adjust our expectations of ourselves. Grief looks different for every individual, and it takes time. Some may need extended time off of work and others may find that getting back to work and their normal routines is helpful.

Here are some tips to deal with the loss of your mother:

·         Know that emotions will change

Grief is related to sadness, but your emotions will change over time. You will feel better, even though it might feel like things will never feel better. You may experience all different emotions, like sadness, anger, or emptiness.

·         Let yourself grieve

Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Trying to push these difficult feelings away can result in incomplete grief. Give yourself time to grieve, to feel sad, to feel angry, to feel numb. Talk to others about your grief. Journaling can also be especially helpful.

·         Get the support you need

Get support from your other family members, friends, and loved ones. Talking to other people who have experienced the loss of a mother can help as well. Many people find grief support groups to be very helpful.  

·         Ask for and accept help

Let others help you. Whether it’s assisting with the funeral preparations, bringing food, or helping with the children, allow yourself to accept the help that is offered. Try not to be afraid to ask for it too.

·         Take care of yourself

It can be easy to lose yourself within the grief. But making your own health and well-being a priority enables you to better cope with the unhappiness and stress. Take the time to get enough sleep, eat healthily, and exercise often. Additionally, try to do things that bring you pleasure. You may initially have to really push yourself to do these things.

If you are struggling to manage your grief, please seek out a mental health professional for assistance. There is no shame in getting some help.